Finding My Tribe
When I first began talking openly about being neurodivergent at work I was uncertain how people would react. I knew there was stigma and that many quietly kept this to themselves. What surprised me was how quickly people opened up when I went first. I spoke honestly to my team and to colleagues, and they began to tell me things they had never said out loud. At first the conversations were private. Over time they became public within the fast growing, safe space I created that I called the Neurodiversity Champions chatroom, and that is when the sense of belonging started to grow. Obviously being open about your neurodivergence is a deeply personal thing and many people who were comfortable talking to me did not feel comfortable “coming out” more widely. That is ok too.
That safe space follows the Chatham House rule so people can speak without fear. It was simple, but it mattered. Once a few of us trusted the format, others started to come forward. I remember a moment that made everything real. Someone came into my office and told me the fluorescent lights in our open plan office were making them anxious. I pointed up to the light I had removed so I could work in natural light, and they said afterwards that they had finally found their tribe. Hearing that phrase cut straight through me.
It also made me realise how vulnerable openness can feel. Not everyone encouraged me. A few people told me to “be careful” about how public I was being. Those words spun me into panic, triggering my rejection sensitivity. For a while I doubted myself, but that moment of someone saying they had found their tribe mattered more. I doubled down and continued to be open to as many people as I could, pushing past the worry, even going external talking about what I was doing in a GAIN podcast episodewith Johnny Timpson OBE.
Adapting to life after diagnosis has been a whole series of incremental improvements. Small changes made the biggest difference. I started with habit stacking. Taking my medication became the anchor habit. I put vitamins and other small tasks next to the pill box and slowly added things in a particular order. My mornings used to be chaos. I would leave the house and come back three or four times because I had forgotten my laptop, my jumper, or my lunch. Now my mornings are calm. Adding each new task once the prior ones had settled into routine has built a strong foundation. My routine sets me up for a calm and ordered start to my days and spreads through everything that follows (although if any step gets interrupted my whole day can still be ruined like before)
Not every attempt to improve my life has stuck. To-do lists remain a work in progress. Apps and virtual lists disappear the moment they are out of sight. Object permanence is real for me. Post-Its work better because they are always visible, and I use stickers to mark importance and urgency. The downside is that my desk has become a rats nest of notes I can barely read. It is not elegant, but it works better than the systems I thought would save me.
Some new techniques I try work for a while and then fade. I am learning not to see this as failure, but as feedback. Sometimes novelty is what makes a system useful for a time. I have been experimenting with voice notes and automation to capture ideas when I cannot act on them immediately. I am learning to accept that adapting is ongoing rather than finding a single perfect solution.
Finding my tribe taught me lessons about helping and learning simultaneously.When the neurodiversity network took off at work, people began to come out within that community. Seeing colleagues reveal that they too were neurodivergent made our conversations richer and more compassionate. We share tactics, swap stories about surviving and what has helped us. We help people find their way after diagnosis and help parents understand their neurodivergent children. Being available to others made me better at spotting what worked for me. It created a feedback loop. I helped people and they helped me to see myself with less judgement.
Belonging has been the most powerful medicine of all. There are still nights when I feel overwhelmed and days when I doubt myself. But being part of a group that understands allows me to survive the hard times. I now have a few people that I can pick up the phone to, or reach out to with a chat to say that I am struggling. They get it and are there for me, as I am for them when they are struggling. I have never had that before in my life, and it is the best thing ever. Helping others helped me help myself. It taught me to be kinder to myself and to see life as a series of experiments, feedback and learning rather than a string of failures.
If there is one piece of advice that I would give someone who is newly diagnosed it is this : - Understanding that you are different is the first step. The second is realising that you are not alone. You are not broken, just different. There is a whole world of people you will probably click with, people who get the same sensory quirks, the same problems with executive functions, and the novel strategies that are part survival and part genius. Finding your tribe can be transformative, whether at work, in person, or online. Just remember to take the usual precautions when meeting people you do not yet know, as we can be a trusting bunch. I had always struggled in private, thinking I was the only one, doubting myself and being mean to myself. Finding your tribe is the difference between drowning in private and feeling that you are not alone in the world.
This closes the Post-Diagnosis Series and opens the next chapter. I will be writing more about how we live day to day with ADHD and autism, and about the small, practical moves that make life easier and kinder. I will write about work, home life, rest, and the ways we can coach ourselves through the journey of life.
If you were to stack one new habit onto something you already do daily, just something small that could make a positive difference, what would it be? And who could you share it with, so you do not have to do it alone?
Clear, J. (n.d.). Habit stacking: How to build new habits by taking advantage of old ones. James Clear. https://jamesclear.com/habit-stacking
Me talking to Johnny Timpson OBE in a GAIN Podcast. https://www.podbean.com/ew/pb-h9ska-17ee5d8
ADDitude Magazine. https://www.additudemag.com/
There are hundreds of Neurodiversity Communities across FaceBook, Discord and other platforms (e.g. “ADHD Adults UK”)
Reddit communities
r/ADHD
r/Autism
r/Neurodiversity
